Friday, November 25, 2016

Maybe the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I've been living with gestational diabetes for a week now.
Though, living isn't what I'd call this.

Guys, this is so real. I cry every single day and I feel like a failure. It looks like I won't be able to be diet controlled. Medical intervention bars me from ever being a surrogate again. While we were 98% sure this would be our last journey anyway, there was always that little voice saying, "never say never..." Well- now we have to say never. Which, of course, drives the depression knife even deeper.

Let's talk about a few things.

The Schedule
My life is lived in a cycle of eating when I'm not hungry, and debilitating crying.

7:00- wake and test blood sugar
7:30 am- eat
8:30 am- test blood sugar
8:31 am- cry
9:30 am- test blood sugar
9:31 am- cry
10 am- snack
11:30 am- lunch
12:30 pm- test blood sugar
12:31- cry
12:35- snack
1:30 pm- test blood sugar.
1:31- cry
3:00 pm- snack
5:00pm- dinner
5:05- cry in anticipation of 6 pm
6:00 pm- test blood sugar
6:01- cry
6:30 pm- snack
7:00 pm- test blood sugar
7pm-9pm- cry
9:30 pm- snack
11pm- sleep. Often crying.

Silver lining? Apparently my makeup is really, honestly, tear-prrof. It's not just good marketing.

The words that come out of people's mouth, "Oh, this could happen to anyone. You didn't cause this."
The look behind their eyes, "You couldn't put the cookie down, could you? Fatso."

My doctor and diabetes educator have walked me through the truth. This is hormonal. That it's the two placentas. And after a careful review of my food journal, have told me I'm one of (if not the most) nutritionally aware GD patients they've had. Despite their reassurances, that's just simply not how society views this. I feel guilty. I feel judged. It's incredibly hard.

My Failures
They said "You just don't have enough carbs. Up your carb intake"
Well, that led to a LOT of very high glucose numbers. So I said, I'm gonna just do super low carb. I love super low carb.

And my glucose numbers were PERFECT.
So they said, well, if you're eating that low carb, we need to monitor your ketones.
And I had heavy ketones in my urine.
Which is no better than high glucose in my blood.

So, my body is a total, complete failure. At this point I have both (low level) ketones (a sign I'm not getting ENOUGH carbs) and high glucose (a sign I'm having too MANY carbs.) How is that even possible?

On top of that, my fasting glucose number- the one that is before I eat anything- is consistently high. Not a lot you can do about that, now is there?

It seems there is no happy medium, and no way to control this monster without medical intervention.

Back to Perception 
You think society looks at you like a 600 pound fatso for simply having gestational diabetes... don't even mention that you're not able to control it with diet alone. That's like saying, "I had gastric bypass surgery, but didn't lose any weight."

People look at you like, "Oh, they told you to put the cookie down and you just couldn't do it STILL?" 

I've joined a gestational diabetes support group. And even there, people are smug. Most of them are diet controlled... and there is a clear condescension to those of us who aren't able to be diet controlled. We're a lesser breed. We had absolutely no self control. We couldn't follow a simple diet.

One of the HARDEST things for me is to watch these diet controlled women talk about their diets and the glucose numbers that are produced as a result... knowing darn well that if I ate as they do my numbers would be sky freaking high. I mean, they're eating sugary cereals, soda, the occasional PB&J... These are things I don't even have in my NORMAL life because they're just not healthy. Yet these women can get away with it with *diabetes*. I can hardly get away with a Greek yogurt (8g carbs)

It is just, so, so depressing.

Now, normally I wouldn't share something this raw. I don't want to scare or worry the IPs. But they've told me they don't read the blog....  and this is life consuming. As the schedule shows, it's all I can do or think about. At this point, NOT talking about it, or saying I'm fine, is a bold face lie. So, I'm sorry if this makes anyone uncomfortable.

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