Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Next Steps

The days following the news of a failed transfer seem painfully slow. Will the intended parents throw in the towel, or will they want to try again? If they do want to try another transfer, how long will there be between now and then? What can I do differently this time to make sure it works?  
Generally following a failed transfer you can expect to receive a phone call from your case specialist, and maybe even Dr. Kim, as well as from your nurse. All of the support is meant to help you realize one thing; you didn’t do anything wrong, things like this happen, and the big one, we will (or will not) be trying this again.
My case specialist and intended parents let me know pretty much straight away that we would be trying again as soon as possible. We did have to wait to the doctor to sign off on another transfer, so that pushed us out a bit.  Of course he wanted more tests, this time to see if my body is host to one of two very rare genetic diseases that would case my body to attack and kill embryos. It seemed nonsense, since I've given birth to 3 babies complication free and had no miscarriages, but I complied. And we waited. After about a month, I got a new calendar. The outline for our next try.
So now we get to start all over. I’ve just started medications today, and it’s time to begin gearing up for round two. I’ll be honest, having never had a failed transfer, I hadn’t given a lot of forethought to writing about the emotions surrounding a second try. I find myself feeling very guarded. More tentative than before, cautious about every step of the process.
I'm scared, too. If THIS transfer fails, I feel anxiety that the doctor or my IPs might decide to move on from me. In short: the pressure is on.
I find myself reminding my heart of what I know to be true, surrogacy is worth it. Whatever “it” is, surrogacy is worth it. Every needle, every tear, every pound, and every cheer. Surrogacy is worth it all. So, here we are. Back at square one and determined to make it work this time.

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