Thursday, June 19, 2014

The View From 30,000 Feet. Surrogate's Perspective

In the coming weeks I will also be posting two additional posts with the same title. One written by the dads and another written by our egg donor. Now that some time has elapsed, I thought it'd be really unique to do wrap up posts on the entire process from the perspective of each of us. So to get started, here are my final thoughts on this journey.


The IVF Process

I'd like to say this was the hardest part of the process. It certainly runs a close second to leaving the hospital without a baby. Even the memory of those long needles, large knots and my tender bottom makes me cringe. But as we finished surrogates tell the incoming ones, "If it was really that bad, none of us would do this twice."

The Goodbye Tears

The tears have been hard for me. I feel very defensive of them. Yes it hurts, and yes I cried more than I thought I would. But I don't cry for the reasons the masses suspect and the critics will claim. 

While these babies we, as surrogates, bear are not "ours" in the realest sense of the word, in some manner there are undeniably so. Ellie is MY surrobabe. No one else can claim that. No one else will ever carry her in their belly or harbor the same dynamic, albeit complex, emotions for her that I do. It's a unique bond unlike anything Hallmark has a card to celebrate.

It is this unique bond that I share with Ellie and her dads that led to the tears. Fear that this amazing bond would fade with my baby weight. As each day goes by though, and I am lucky enough to remain in their lives, I get a little stronger, a little more sure footed and a little less weepy.

Quite simply, and to be cliche, 
"From the outside looking in it can never be understood. 
From the inside looking out, it can never be explained."

The Friendships Lost

Did it happen? Yes, it did. While only one person made a loud and dynamic exit from my life, I noticed many more who started with removing their support of my story, then by not talking to me and ultimately by disappearing from my Facebook list entirely.

While I am grateful for their quiet departure (as opposed to a vocal showdown), it continues to confound me a bit. Nothing about my views or my voice has changed in the past 18 months. I have been an equal rights ally for more than half of my life. It's something I'm not tight lipped about. Anyone who knows me at all has known this about me for as long as they've known me.

I've always, "talked the talk" so to speak. But the instant I put that first foot out in front of me to, "walk the walk" something changed. I put my money where my mouth had always been... and that was simply too much for some people to bear.
The only view that matters.
Ellie at 30,000 feet. 

I don't have hard feelings though. None at all. Because the truth is I gained 10 new amazing people for every one I lost. And that, friends, is a wonderful return on investment.

The Friendships Gained

In college I was in a sorority. There I made some lifetime friends. The surrosisters that I have made over the past year and will continue to make have become my adult sorority sisters. We are bonded through experiences that no one outside of our club can relate too.This amazing network of women I have found through surrogacy are real friends, true friends, lifetime friends who I will likely never meet in person.

These women understand a part of me that so many others will be unable to understand. To you women I will remain eternally grateful and in awe of your loving hearts and dedication. Together we carry each other on this amazing ride, and without one another I'm not sure it's a ride any of us would survive. Has me singing "For Good" from Wicked.  I love you all.

I loved being Greek and I love being a surrogate. It's awesome to have been given this experience twice in one life.

The Girl Reborn

I believe that with every milestone moment in life you are changed. Another ripple added to the record of your song. Going Greek changed me. Becoming a mother changed me. Being a surrogate has changed me.

It has opened my eyes to things I thought I understood before, only to learn now that I still have no comprehension of what so ever. It has opened my heart and taught me to stand even stronger for who I am and what I believe in. I have learned within those convictions to find more compassion, and that sometimes the greatest words of support are found in saying nothing; and doing more.

I've loved being a surrogate. 
For well over a year it's been a huge part of how I define myself. 
Undoubtedly it will remain how I describe myself for the rest of my life.


The Future


Surprisingly, I am not often asked if I plan to do this again. The gals at Growing Generations tell me it's because, to them and probably the rest of the world, it appears a no brainer that I'll be back for more. I suppose that's a wonderful compliment since I have zero regrets over this major life choice, and would make the same choices all over again. 

But  to me, the future of my uterus is probably not as certain. With the exception to any potential sibling plans the boys might (or might not) be dreaming up, I'm not willing to give a concrete "yes" or "no" to much of anything right now. Unless you're offering me a job in third party reproduction. I'm open to that. ;)

The Blog

This little project started as a way to not have to tell the same story over and over and OVER. What it has turned into is something all it's own. That's because of you; my readers. I expected to have maybe 10 family members following along, but that's far from what I got.

As of this posting this blog has had more than 54 THOUSAND unique page views spread out from readers in every continent on Earth. I didn't anticipate that, but I am grateful that so many people have enjoyed this journey.

I will miss this blog deeply. I will miss YOU deeply. I am already seeking out cool new topics to start a new blog project. But what's cooler than carrying a baby for someone else?  

2 comments:

  1. ASHEE!!! That's what I have to say. This term is from Africa. It's a term of empowerment which is what I see your blog doing for the surrogacy movement. You are and will remain truly blessed by this experience. Ashee Mandy.
    love Aunt Pepper

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  2. Lovely post. As for the people who removed themselves from your facebook and removed support...ummm....I don't get that. Their loss for missing out on a wonderful, energy filled, exciting, loving, giving, woman! I hope they are cold in their dark, little closed off cave of a world. Maybe, one day, they will see the light and warmth of the amazing time you gave to others.

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