Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Deep Breaths

So here we sit. 
39 weeks pregnant. 
No signs of impending labor. 

This means one thing. 
Induction is likely. 

That means something, too. 

I'm scared. 

I've never needed and induction. And, if this were my own child, we wouldn't even be talking about it. I knew going into surrogacy that inductions were possible, even likely. I was and am OK with that. Honestly. I feel like it's healthy for these things to creep up. Choices that I wouldn't make for myself. It reminds us, as carriers, that this isn't our child and these aren't always our choices to make. Doesn't mean that I have to kiss the allowance of some trepidation away. If anything, it's probably more healthy and stable that I can recognize my fears and address them.

So what am I scared of here? 

5 days to go!
At the most basic level it is fear of the unknown. I am no more scared, at a rudimentary level, of this induction than I was of the first time I faced labor in general. Only now, after birthing two children, I know what labor is. I know how my body handles it. I know how I cope with it. What I don't know, is how it will feel, how my body will respond or how I will cope with a labor that is started by drugs and doctors as opposed to my own body.

But, I also know that epidurals are wonderful, wonderful things. So if the pain is more than I can handle, I also know that I have an out. So what is really bothering me can't truthfully be the pain aspect.

The real issue, if we're being honest, is that on some level I feel like my body is failing me. Now, before you induction mommas start attacking me, I'm not putting you down. This has nothing to do with you or your birth choices. Like so much of my thought pattern, this has everything to do with only me.

My birth preference leans toward hippie. I'm eating my placenta raw, for God's sake. To date I have only had naturally occurring spontaneous labors placed in the allowable full term time window. I'd probably feel just as let down by my body if I birthed a premature baby. Only, you don't plan for that. You don't count down the days until you throw in the hat, give up on your body doing it on her own, and employ doctors to do what nature should have done. I don't understand why my body decided to forget how this is done, and that frustrates me.

So I guess that's my real issue here. I'm angry at my body, not the procedure. And since there is nothing I can do to FORCE my body into labor, there is nothing I can do to change the need for the procedure. This little girl needs to meet her dads. They have a flight home to catch. A whole family waiting to meet her. And my selfish pride shouldn't be getting in the way. I've been lucky enough to carry her for 9 beautiful months. It's her turn to call a few shots.

So, deep breaths. We'll enjoy the next 5 days of being pregnant. Then we'll take even more deep breaths.... and we'll try this induction thing out.


  1. Still time!!!! I have faith that it will all work out and you'll go into labor. Good luck!!

  2. I know it's hard to not be in control. Become Zen with this baby and it will happen as it's suppose to.