Sunday, April 27, 2014

What's New?

I am being asked a lot of the same questions these past few days... and as the days go on I find myself more and more frustrated by them.

Don't get me wrong, I know the daily inquisition is based in interest and love and I appreciate having both from so many people. Even so, please, let me issue a blanket reply to the most commonly asked questions.

And, to satisfy my inner snark and current hair trigger patience, please allow me to do it in the least polite way possible.

(Ohhh... this is about to feel really, REALLY good. )
Haven't You Had That Baby Yet? 
Nope, as the massive lump protruding from beneath my T-shirt would suggest, I have not had that baby yet. 

Really. I am still pregnant. I am pretty sure that my summation is accurate, as I'd be unlikely to miss the emergence of a 7-9 pound living thing through my vagina. Trust me, I'll know when I am no longer pregnant. I'll be sure to pass along the memo. 

Well, When ARE You Going To Have That Baby? 
I've got it penciled in for next Tuesday afternoon just after The Young and The Restless. I really hate missing my stories. Your guess is jut as good as mine, folks. I don't have any inclination as to when I will no longer be pregnant. See previous post about performance anxiety. You're not helping. 

Well, When Does Your DOCTOR Think You'll Have That Baby?
Oh you know, Next Wednesday around 4:32 p.m. Seriously guys? Medical FACT -NO ONE knows what triggers the start of labor, therefor it is impossible to predict when it will begin. Even for doctors. 

Well, I Know How To Jump Start Labor. Have You Tried...
I'm Bringing Sexy Back
I'm really so happy that standing on your head while reciting the alphabet backwards put you into labor with each of your 14 children. Wow, I am impressed. However, I happen to believe that if there was a way that actually worked to jump start labor, most people would know it already. My doctor certainly would. I choose to believe that Old Wives Tales are like campfire stories. No one knows when this baby will be born but this baby, and no one's home remedy is absolute. Even if it were, I wouldn't do it. This may be my body, but it's not my baby or my birth story. It's not my choice to choose to try and "cheat" the labor fairy. 

How Are You Feeling/Hanging In There? 
Thanks for asking how I feel. And, now that you mention it, I actually feel a little bit like Kate Moss crossed with Princess Diana with just a dash of Julia Roberts. 
And then I wake up. 
Seriously... I feel fat, swollen, tingly and tired. It really brings down my (generally) good mood to have to admit this over and over again. So to answer your question, I feel like any other full term pregnant lady. If that's not relatable to you, I'm sorry for my snark (truly) but please stop asking me to remember how unsexy and uncomfortable this phase of pregnancy is. 

SheRa Is So Jealous of Me
Whew, man I feel.... well, like I probably just offended a ton of people who care about me. But hopefully you got a giggle out of it too. And if you've been pregnant before, maybe I even got an "Amen" out of you. I do appreciate each of your concern and care. And M&T, NONE of the above applies to any questions you have. At all.

What I do know is that I'm now rocking She-Ra gauntlets on each hand for my pregnancy induced hand and arm numbness and that my feet have swollen to the roughly the size of papayas over night taking me to a whole new level of sexiness. I also know that pretty much ALL of my Braxton Hicks contractions have stopped. While I should be happy for the reprieve... I'm just frustrated that it feels like we took a step backwards instead of forwards.

I also know that sometime in the next 14 days this baby will be born. Hopefully of her own doing and not of Pitocin's. Either way, her time is limited.


  1. I'm laughing my ass off. Don't people know you don't mess with a women in the final run of her pregnancy.
    Babies arrive when they are meant to and hopefully without pitocin. Labor pains are strong enough without pitocin
    Love to all.

  2. What an awesome post! Haha. Definitely gave me the giggles. But how are you feeling?...... ;)