Thursday, February 27, 2014

Choices I Don't Get to Make

So we're marching into the end zone here. And I'm kind of ready for it. I'm not sick of being pregnant nor am I ready to serve eviction papers (yet), but if we're being truthful... I'm ready to not need to pee every 5 minutes, sleep on my belly and damnit, I'm ready for a beer.

We are a bit passed 29 weeks ,and knowing that we have an induction date in mind somewhere in week 39 (should this baby not come on her own by then), we are also into the single digits of this pregnancy.

Man, this is weird. The last time I was talking single digits we were on PIO, in pain and praying nothing went wrong.

What else is weird is that this is about the time in my own pregnancy when my nesting just starts getting warmed up. Not the mad crazy cleaning nesting, but the picking out of the what baby will wear in the hospital vs. what baby will wear for homecoming outfit. The packing and repacking of my hospital bags. The organizing of who to call and when with the good news.

Only this time, these are decisions I don't get to make.

I know that I am substituting these nesting urges with talking T's ear off about labor plans and dates and likelihoods of natural vs induced births etc. He's probably so sick of me and like, "Mandy seriously, shut up!!! Just push when it's time. We'll be there." But he plays interested very well, and as a result of my displaced nesting, we have a very solid plan on nearly every angle of the birth. Because we all know how well babies like to follow solid birth plans....

Anyway, it's just so strange to be on the verge of HAVING a baby that I have no say over.  It's like the connection thing. There is one there, no doubt, but not the one most people expect a surrogate to struggle with having. The control freak in me DEMANDS to have control over SOMETHING. But the surrogate in me is so happy that I don't have to make those decisions and doesn't even really care what they are.

It's an odd internal struggle, this surrogacy thing. Nothing at all like I expected, actually easier than I expected, but kin of odd none the less.

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