Monday, September 2, 2013

I want to remember this

How bad is PIO? 

Is PIO really that bad? 

How I can make the pain of PIO less? 


These questions swam through my head like water forcing it's way through a narrow straight for months. I ultimately decided I could handle it, a positive attitude was key, and that no, it couldn't really be THAT bad.

I was wrong. 

Two days in and I was singing a different tune. I had baseball sized knots, every step I took hurt and I couldn't sleep at night without waking up in writhing pain every time I tried to move. It was hell.

At transfer I asked the nurse if this much pain was normal, and she told me we'd been injecting about an inch too low and were likely hitting bone with each injection. I was SO excited to try a new injection site. And guess what, IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO SWALLOW RUSTY RAZOR BLADES!!!

Until the next day. 

Arriving home after that plane ride... I remember feeling emotionally high, but in so much pain that my self discipline and resolve waned greatly. I stood in a hot shower and cried.

For a long time. 
A really long time. 
Then I sat on my bed and cried for even longer. 


I could be pregnant, and how on EARTH could I bring myself to endure those daily injections for the next 12 weeks? Was I mentally and physically strong enough to put myself through it? Would I be able to force myself to endure it for another 84 injections? I honestly did not know. I was very low. I thank two surrosisters, and they know who they are, for talking me down from that ledge.

Something amazing  happened in the next 5 days.

And I want to remember this. 


The injections have gotten better.

I won't say it doesn't hurt, that'd be a lie. 
I won't say I don't hate it, that'd be a lie also. 


But now instead of feeling like I've had major surgery and hurting to even breathe, it feels more like two bruises in the final stages of healing. It's more itchy than ouchy. In exchange for the manageable pain I have two massive swollen spots on my hiney. They aren't really hard knots, and they don't really hurt, but from behind I bet I look like I have two tumors. Sexxxxxxy. IVF Ass I'll call it. 

The only real pain is that I think I'm stuck in sundresses and yoga pants for the foreseeable future (even if this transfer fails, we'll go right back at it for round two). The elastic or button up waistbands of jeans, athletic shorts and like like all put restraint and pressure right at my injection sites. And it's nearly unbearable. So, regular clothes are out. Already. Damn.

So why do I want to remember this so desperately? 


Because I've known since day one that I don't intend to be a one time surrogate. If fortune is good on me and I'm blessed enough to do this again, I know I want to. At least a second time, perhaps even more. So, I want to remember that the pain (at least for me) passes. I can do it. much like natural childbirth, you can endure this.

That said, it's time for my nightly injection. 

5 comments:

  1. Hang in there. I did not give myself one injection....had my hubby do it EVERY time. WHile he was washing his hands and getting things ready, I had that ice pack on my ass for SEVERAL minutes! Those blood vessels were far, far away from the surface of the skin. I also had him rub the injection site for more than a minute to get it all absorbed in. I was SO afraid to do it any other way. Hopefully, you are pregnant and all those meds will disappear soon enough!

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  2. Get a vibrating massager for that rear end. Works those lumps out!! 20 minutes after each shot. Also a heating pad. Those were my 2 go to items. You are doing great!!

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  3. I too used the heating pad after to help, along with massage and I walked around for 10 minutes or so to try to losen up that muscle. I found that helped a lot, also using the smaller needles.

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  4. I don't see the problem with yoga pants. That sounds like a great excuse to wear them daily. It will be a lovely transition for your maternity clothes, too!

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  5. ummm..yeah...the smaller needles. OMG - I thought they were replacement needles for when I ran out of the big ones...that I could reuse the syringe and switch the old, used needle with the replacement one. Close to the END of my medications is when I learned that I was supposed to be drawing up the PIO with the larger needle, then switching it to the smaller needle for the injection!!!! SIGNIFICANT difference!

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