Thursday, August 22, 2013

What The Hell Am I Thinking?

I'm sure by now you're wondering if that thought has ever crossed my mind in this process.

The answer is a resounding yes. 

In fact it is usually preceded (or occasionally followed) by the thought, "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Affectionate fans, don't worry. No cold feet here. 

I think that anyone who takes this on has those thoughts at some point. Or at least they should. This is a crazy thing to do. Pumping my body full or hormones and needles it doesn't need to get pregnant, to have a baby for people I hardly know. By the way boys, how do you take your eggs and what's your favorite color? 

You Know you're curious....
So why do it at all? Maybe I am a little nuts. Kind of crazy. But I believe in making a difference and trusting one's heart. And I'm so happy to be here. So excited for tomorrow I couldn't sleep last night. Tonight is going to be worse.

Even so, while shoving a pill the size of a pressed penny into places a pill should never be placed ... I do find myself thinking, "What the hell am I doing?" Don't worry though, it wasn't too bad. Perhaps the oddest part of the vag rocket was how not odd it was.

I also took my first Progesterone shot last night. The big kahuna daddy mac of pain in surrogacy. 

Seriously, the horror stories I've heard had me prepared for pain worse than natural labor

Well, it just ain't that bad folks. At least not yet. It's a bit sore. Maybe like I slept on a marble overnight. Hopefully I can keep that level of pain for the next 12 weeks. But I did think to myself, as I tried to relax and not hyperventilate, "Mandy... what the HELL have you gotten yourself into?"

Then I think about the fact that next week this time, I'll be pregnant again. Pregnant. For 9 months. This is one of those times I think, "What the HELL have you gotten yourself into," as well as, "What the HELL are you thinking?" at the same time.

I think this is a healthy and natural response. Mostly because I know why I am here. And I remind myself I LOVE being pregnant. And then I think of M&T and I smile. I really do love those guys. Maybe, just maybe, my feet would have a chill if it wern't for them. But we're a team. They're counting on me right now. And I'll be damned if I'll let them (or myself) down.

1 comment:

  1. Gotta love vag rockets! I actually thought they were pretty awesome with their cool little applicator so I didn't have to shove my hand way up where I'd rather not. Haha!