Yesterday was a double whammy in the surrogacy journey department.
First, I got my final and official instructions from the fertility clinic. What to take and where to take it kind of instructions. I expected it'd be overwhelming, but after seeing it all in print I'm finding myself really overwhelmed and incredibly nervous.
I'm an overachiever by nature and I want to be the best little surrogate I can be. I know once I dig into the routine it will be simple and that I'll be just fine. But for the next week I have a feeling that the gravity of this responsibility is going to really weigh on me.
The second thing that happened was receipt of my first allowance check. This is a fund that provides a small amount of pocket cash per month to pay for things like childcare during my appointments, gas to get there and the like. It's meant to ensure that I don't incur costs during my journey to help M&T have a baby. It's not meant to MAKE me any money, just offset costs along the way. I knew I'd be getting it.Even so, I'm feeling SO guilty for depositing it into our (surrogacy specific and separate) checking account.
I suppose I've spent so much time preparing my mind and my heart for dealing with the emotions of carrying a baby that isn't mine and the issues that parallel that, that I hadn't given an ounce of thought to the emotions that will surround the financial part of this.
Surrogacy is a beautiful thing. It's also very costly. I really don't like that it costs any set of IPs so much to make a family. I loathe that it costs MY IPs that much, because I love them. I feel protective over them. And I hate that I'm a part of that cost.
I've already reached out to my case manager with my feelings of guilt so that she can reassure me everything is normal and OK. I've also asked other surros for support. They tell me in a few weeks when I can hardly sit on my sore bruised behind that I will no longer feel guilty.
I know I'll be OK. No need to worry about me. This is an emotional rollercoaster. I thought this day would be a high, and it's kind of a low. I just thought I had prepared myself for all the emotions, and this one just caught me by surprise.