The intramuscular shots though...the ones that go into my backside... I'm terrified of those. Maybe it's because the directions tell me to:
- Get Comfortable
- Relax your muscles
- Take a deep breath
- Don't vomit.
OK- I made the last one up. But really, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it was on the list. When medical instructions basically prepare you for immense pain, it's scary.
So here I am .. nervous, scared, intimated, overwhelmed and dreading it. Dreading all 7 intramuscular shots.
I was trying to convince myself that no matter how bad the shots were, there were only 7. And then there would be a baby. And then there would be a family. I could do this. I could survive this.
Then I realized
I was going at this the completely wrong way.
I believe that God brought me to surrogacy. I believe that God is faithful and will never leave our sides. I believe that the good He has done, and the seeds He has planted, He will see it through. I believe that doubt and deception are the tools of the Devil.
To allow that fear and doubt into my heart is to tell God that I don't trust His plan for my life. It's like telling God I don't trust Him. It's like telling my Savior that I know whats best for me better than He does.
As I often do at these Epiphany moments, I turn to the bible for inspiration. I found this verse, smacking me over the head like an anvil from an old cartoon:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him,
and He will make your paths straight.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise Him.
So, as I have chosen to do for so many years, I choose to trust God. I choose to trust Him and His calling on my life.
Because God has always had my back.
And now He has my backside, too.