I am frustrated. I feel like the professional thing to do is to NOT post it here in a public forum. But not sharing ALL of this experience is not the honest thing to do. So, I'm going to share my frustrations.
I belong to a group on Facebook with is only open to other Growing Generations surrogates. It's a great support system, and I love being a part of it. It's fun to see baby bumps grow, to welcome new surrogates who are where I have been, and get advice from other surrogates who are where I hope to be someday. I love the birth stories and photos of surrobabies.
But, it makes me jealous. I have watched other girls go through screening, matching and now are starting meds and talking about their transfer dates. They're talking about peeing on sticks. And here I sit, feeling like the fat kid at dodgeball. I got picked up by an agent, someone picked me for their team, but my official position is bench rider. Maybe cheerleader. While trying to not to be self centered, my inner child is yelling, "HEY!! OVER HERE!! WHAT ABOUT ME??"
I asked Growing Generations for an update on my case. I was replied to with a form email talking about preparing for transfers. No personal touch. And information that is completely irrelevant to me right now, because we still have legal to get through ad meds to start before we can even think about the transfer. So that was basically a dud.
So I vented my concerns on the Facebook group. I didn't like what I heard there either. They told me that it is plenty common for a year to pass between matching and first transfer.
I feel like I need to say that again.
My first thought was, you've got to be kidding, right? Nope, not kidding at all. Here's the thing. I've ALREADY been waiting. For three years. I've wanted to do this since 2010. It's just only now happening. The idea that another entire year- or more- could pass before we even try to get pregnant is... well, I'd say disheartening but that's a lie. It's out and out depressing.
You ask, what takes so long? The academic answer is that egg donors change their minds, lawyers are in no rush, our bodies don't always cooperate... the list of quagmires that can exist goes on and on. What can I do about it?
Not a damn thing.
Anyone who knows me knows that the above stated answer is probably the largest reason I am grinding my teeth over this. I am not a natural follower. I am a leader with every cell of my being. There is nothing that I can do to help move things in the direction that I want them to go.
So where does this leave me? Well, I'm feeling a few things.
#1- Is this really the thing I want to do? Do I really want to commit to more YEARS of my life spent just trying to do this thing? Before you start sweating bullets M&T, the answer is a clear yes. Of course this is what I want to do. I won't back out. I Promise.
#2- I'm thankful for the budding and wonderful relationship I have with you, M &T. Thank you for giving me the freedom to express these concerns. And I'm thankful for the open relationship that we have, because I feel like I know that you're experiencing the same frustrations as me.
#3- I'm a little bit angry. I feel like volunteering my body for this wonderful gift is a huge sacrifice. And that asking me to continue to keep my and my families life in a holding pattern for an infinite and undefinable period of time is jut a bit rude. I'd love to go get a new tattoo. I've wanted it for 5 years. But I'm not doing it because it's against the surrogacy rules. I'm on the pill. I hate being on the pill. I'm doing it because it's the surrogacy rules. These are sacrifices I'm more than happy to make, to help a family have a baby. But it's frustrating to feel like there is no end in sight, and these sacrifices don't matter to anyone but me.
If nothing else, it'd be nice to get an update from someone somewhere about what the hold up is. Why I haven't even heard from legal. If I could feel like there was progress being made I think I'd feel better. But for all I know my file just fell off someone's desk and has not been missed yet.
I wish that all angles of this blog and this journey were happy ones. But I knew they wouldn't be. This is part of the process, and I know that. But it doesn't mean I'm going to shoot rainbows out of my behind over it either.