Friday, May 3, 2013

Why Guys?


By now you all know that we will be helping a gay couple have a baby. This was somewhat by design. While it is true that Chris and I were open to helping a same sex couple, we were also open to helping a traditional couple. So how did we wind up with two guys as opposed to a traditional man and woman couple? There are a multitude of reasons, here are a few. 

First off, I have a gay aunt and a gay sister. Both deserve to be married and have children, in my opinion. While I do have a niece (my sister has not always self identified), my aunts never had children. I have always known that I would help a couple like them in the blink of an eye. It suits my personality quite well to help the "underdog." When it comes to reproduction, two guys are about as "underdog" as one can get.

During our matching process Chris and I reviewed three profiles. All three were for intended fathers. Chris asked why this was, so I did some digging and learned that not only is the pool of candidates larger for homosexual couples than it is for heterosexual couples, but also that some states make it illegal to help a homosexual couple have a child. While I do believe in state's rights, learning that these types of hate induced laws are allowed to exist made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. This made me even more headstrong to help a same sex couple.

Then there are the emotional factors. As I can't state it any better than fellow blogger Kira Sanders did, here are her thoughts

Of course, the main reason why I chose to work with IFs is because, I fully support gay couples having a family, and wanted to be a part of that process for one very special couple! But, there are also two additional reasons why I chose IFs.

Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to any woman that has battled, is battling, or will battle infertility. The following is my opinion, and what I have found to be true in some(not all) surrogate/traditional intended parent relationships.

The first reason why I chose IFs is because, I felt they would have less emotional baggage(for lack of a better word) than traditional couples. I wanted my first experience as a GS(gestational surrogate) to be a happy one. When a gay couple decides to have a child, it's a no brainer. In order to achieve their dream, there has to be a woman involved in one way or another. Men don't have the expectation that they will experience pregnancy & birth first hand, so there isn't the sense of loss, that a woman choosing surrogacy(usually as a last resort) might have.

As a first time GS, I'm not sure I would have been emotionally equipped to deal with all the feelings an IM(Intended Mother) trying to cope with infertility would have. Not only does she have to come to terms with not being able to carry her own child, but she has to accept that another woman is going to carry her husbands baby. My heart goes out to all the IMs out there, for their strength, and courage :-)

The second reason why I chose IFs, has to do with having a relationship with my IPs/baby after the birth...

While doing my surrogacy research, I'd read many heartbreaking stories written by devastated surrogates. Their IMs/IPs had promised to remain in contact with them following the baby's birth, but lied(maybe not intentionally) to them. Everything was great during the pregnancy, but eventually the IM wanted to be the only "mother" in the child's life, so they cut all ties with their surrogate, leaving her to pick up the pieces. This is clearly not an option for most surrogates. After nurturing a baby in the womb for nine months, it's not possible to simply forget about the baby, or your IPs for that matter. In contrast, most of the IF stories I read had happy endings! With IFs, the surrogate is not viewed as "the other woman," and they aren't typically threatened by the potential relationship the surrogate may form with their child. Obviously, not all traditional couples treat their surrogate this way. However, after reading several tragic stories, I felt like I wasn't willing to take the chance of this happening to me(at least for my first journey.)


So there you have it.... 
Why guys? 
A multitude of reasons. 
Why THESE guys? 
Because they're deserving, and because they spoke to my heart. :) 

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