Somehow Chris and I got to talking this evening about my single largest fear in this entire process. The pysch computer test. And now I am so scared, paranoid and worried that I can't sleep. So I am up and writing.
Many of you know I began writing as a senior in high school as a way to conquer my eating disorder. It was a method of control and outlet that was so therapeutic and effective. In exchange for the disorder I gained a career and a life long passion. So just as I have done for the past 15 years when I've been upset, I will write about this problem. The only difference is that this time I am sharing these thoughts and words with an international audience. This is personal. This is sensitive. This is in many ways an open wound.
I have and will continue to approach this surrogacy with complete honesty. From admitting to (and having no regrets about) consuming a glass of wine now and again through both my pregnancies, to the experimental hit of a joint in college (this is even news to some of you now). I feel like the agency and, more importantly, my intended parents are entrusting me with so very much and deserve to know where I've been.
In less than one calendar month I will be sat in front of a computer and asked to answer a miriade of questions.This computer pysch test is meant to identify and disqualify liars from a candidate pool. I know this because I have submitted to these tests twice before. And twice before I have failed.
Both times were for jobs. One for CATO clothing and one time for Boy Scouts of America. Both times I answered each and every question honestly. I do not understand why I failed these tests. The questions that were asked of me included calling off work for trivial means, shoplifting, drug use, and failure to report gifts acquired in a professional setting. I know I have a clean slate in each of these areas. But I've still failed.
I have speculated in the past that these screening exams are only given to candidates who would have otherwise not been awarded the job, and are used simply as a means of excusing the candidate without solid reason or explanation. Simply just, "The test did not come back on a positive note." I wonder if that is indeed the case, if these two companies have any idea what-so-ever the total and permanent damage they have done to me. Probably to others as well. I doubt that they do, or would care even if they did.
It is no secret that I believe I am answering a calling on my life from Heaven in the quest to become a surrogate. My single largest fear is that I will once again answer every question with honesty and integrity, and I will once again fail this computer based psych test. I will also talk with the agency's staff Psychologist and I am not afraid of that one bit. I have no doubt she will see my sincerity and honesty. But I am so scared that the computer test will not and that I will be disqualified.
How will I even begin to atone that? I believe with my every fiber that God wants and intends me to help create a family through surrogacy. I've been so certain of this for years now. Years. Not months. Not 12 months. Years. And if a 20 minute multiple question computer application determines I am a liar, I am out.
I've been praying over this test since I realized I would have to submit to it. I have to have faith that if this is indeed God's will, a simple computer test will not detour the maker of the universe. I've been trying to remember Grandma telling me, "If God is for you, who can be against you?" And my grandpa telling me, "Fear and Faith can not coexist, Mandy. One will banish the other. Which do you have?"
For now it appears that answer is clear.